Other Options?

I had a very interesting day.  It started off super pissy.  My store has a huge empty building next door.  It has been the catch all for everything from stores anywhere near me.  TV's, old shelves, doors, windows, paperwork.  Then last year when the store flooded they just shoved everything inside the door and it has been a super shitty maze ever since.  I get word yesterday that the owner of the company is coming to visit the building because he's not been around in a while.  Cue the shit storm of calls and demands to get next door cleaned up.  Trust me, I understand that it's my store and now, my problem, but seriously, less then 48 hours to clean up 20,000 sq feet including an upstairs?  Get real.  And I get no extra labor.
Skip to today, my day off. 
I put on my finest work clothes, work boots and blue Derby bandanna.  I've been working about 3 hours when one of my customers walks in, being nosy.  This is a customer that I tolerate.  He's a nice guy, but overall annoys me.  He asks all kinds of questions and comments on what he thinks the building should be.  He continues on saying that since I don't have kids that I could run both businesses.  His next remark cut close:  "You need to hurry up and drop a few babies."  Normally at work I just keep my shut and just smile at comments like this one but today I just could let it go.  I snap back "well this body doesn't stop babies, but thank you implying my time isn't important because I can't have kids."  I was dealt hoping this would shut him up and he'd excuse himself.  Instead I learned something special about him.  He can't have children either and he and his wife are foster parents.  We talked for a good 30 minutes about fostering and he left saying he was going to drop fostering information off for me sometime this week.
Wow!  What a crazy chance conversation! 
Fostering isn't something that D and I have talked about in depth before.  We've talked about adopting if we can't absolutely have kids but they've been drink conversations, usually happening around 3 am after we've been at a concert and we're at that emotional drunk stage.  Tonight we had a first sober adoption conversation.  It went well.  It wasn't a lengthy conversation, but we took it seriously and ended it by saying we would read over the information and talk more at that time.
We did get to say a few things tonight that we've not said before.  I confessed that I would rather have the problem with fertility by mine, not his.  He confessed he's scared.  Which is the first time it's been verbalized. 
Although the conversations are getting easier, it's never easy.

Sunday Morning

I've been writing things in my journal fir a very long time.  While looking through it for a topic today I drew a blank.  Where do I start?  Do I talk about my personal history first?  My family history or my lack of knowing my family history?  The guilt I have for not being able to get pregnant?  The sorrow I feel for my amazing husband who holds my hand every 28 days while a get upset?  The feelings are massive, to a point where I've starting making myself think of life with out children.  I've even thought of being a lounge singer.  (I can't even carry a tune.)  My friends are having babies by what seems like the dozens and I love each of my friends dearly.  But how do I balance my inner jealousy and hurt while mustering joy for them.  I think each of them understand that I truly am happy for them but have a hard time sharing in their personal happiness.  I would just like to find a place where I can not expect a positive sign on the test stick while still being able to visit with my family and friends with children.  Will I ever get to that place?

Looking for a place of my own

I'm 34 and carry a burden.  To date, my husband and I have not been able to have children.  Trying to find support for women of my age on the internet has not been easy.  So since I can't find the support I want.  I'll make it.  My hope is to help other women like me while providing an outlet for my witty, emotional stories.  If you have been looking for a place as well please feel free to let me know you're here.  Afterall, we're looking for support together.