I've been writing things in my journal fir a very long time. While looking through it for a topic today I drew a blank. Where do I start? Do I talk about my personal history first? My family history or my lack of knowing my family history? The guilt I have for not being able to get pregnant? The sorrow I feel for my amazing husband who holds my hand every 28 days while a get upset? The feelings are massive, to a point where I've starting making myself think of life with out children. I've even thought of being a lounge singer. (I can't even carry a tune.) My friends are having babies by what seems like the dozens and I love each of my friends dearly. But how do I balance my inner jealousy and hurt while mustering joy for them. I think each of them understand that I truly am happy for them but have a hard time sharing in their personal happiness. I would just like to find a place where I can not expect a positive sign on the test stick while still being able to visit with my family and friends with children. Will I ever get to that place?
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