Sunday Morning

I've been writing things in my journal fir a very long time.  While looking through it for a topic today I drew a blank.  Where do I start?  Do I talk about my personal history first?  My family history or my lack of knowing my family history?  The guilt I have for not being able to get pregnant?  The sorrow I feel for my amazing husband who holds my hand every 28 days while a get upset?  The feelings are massive, to a point where I've starting making myself think of life with out children.  I've even thought of being a lounge singer.  (I can't even carry a tune.)  My friends are having babies by what seems like the dozens and I love each of my friends dearly.  But how do I balance my inner jealousy and hurt while mustering joy for them.  I think each of them understand that I truly am happy for them but have a hard time sharing in their personal happiness.  I would just like to find a place where I can not expect a positive sign on the test stick while still being able to visit with my family and friends with children.  Will I ever get to that place?