Hindsight Blessing

We just left an orthodox Serbian wedding.  The priest blessed the bride and groom and their kid making abilities about 48 times.  Maybe that's something we should have thought of during our wedding. Hindsight is always 20/20.  ;)

Tequila

You know what's not fair?  People who don't have any business procreating having 5 kids.  And me and Daryl w none.

Time of Our Lives

One of my passions in life is music.  Some of my favorites memories from childhood revolve around music.  I remember riding in the combine listening to Putting on the Ritz with my dad.  Mom and I used to rock out to Elvis on the weekends.  I starting dancing when I was 3.  I remember my Uncle David listening to The Sex Pistols and Dead Kennedys when I was in grade school.  I married a lover of music as well.  We grew up in high school being molded by Mr. Todd in the weight rooms listening to classic rock.  We Didn't Start the Fire, the lyrics, were a test in US History. 
To this day music is still a major part of our lives.  Our Pit Bulls name is Stella Blue, a beautiful Grateful Dead song.  We spend more money on concert tickets then we do on just about anything.  And here we are on a Sunday afternoon watching Paladia, Green Day, loving every minute of it and telling stories of concerts gone by.
These are the things that I fear I wont be able to share with our children. 

Something Un-womb Related

...IT'S DRAFT DAY!!!!

GO COLTS!!

Renewing Faith

I am from a small town in Indiana.  Its large enough to be on a map, but small enough to be just a dot.  It's known for many awesome things.  Early in the towns life it was known as Little Detroit.  We are the home place of the first high schools marching band.  Soduko was created by a Connersville resident.  We probably have the worlds longest running daily live news cast brought to you by high school students.  West Side Story, Stant and the list goes on.  Recently have been known for other not so great statistics.  We always rank high in unemployment, teenage pregnancy, low standardized school test scores and more recently Carbon Motors.  However, I LOVE my hometown.  I am a proud Connersvillian.  I wear my red and white like a honor badge.  Growing up in the ville was some of my fondest memories.  So when I heard the latest news coming from the high school I was overjoyed.  No really, it felt like my heart was going to burst with joy. 
Adam Kelly has been named our new high school football coach. 
Some background on our football team?  It sucks.  Sorry, but it does.  We haven't had a streak of winning seasons in probably 25 years.  And a streak would be 2.  Our losing streaks are probably up to 5 years at a time.  And when I say losing season, I don't mean 4-6, I wouldn't be surprised if there were many years in there where we only won one or two games, maybe even a few winless seasons.  It wouldn't surprise me if our last big win was when I was a freshmen or sophomore and we beat Carmel on a game winning touchdown with only 12 seconds to go.  People rushed the field!  We beat CARMEL!!!!
But fast forward to this week.  Adam Kelly.  In high school Adam was so intense.  We hung out with the same group of friends so my Adam stories are many but the one I'll never forget, nor will most anyone, is when Adam was our mascot.  The Spartan.  Hollywood based 300 off of Adam Kelly Spartan stories.  Gerald Butler used yearbook pictures of Adam Kelly Spartan to get into character.  Everyone remembers Adam Kelly Spartan.  He bled his own blood as our fearless leader.  No really, Adam cut his arms in the tunnel before a basketball ball game and when he emerged from the tunnel the crowd went wild! 
In a recent article for The News Examiner Adam said being our high school football coach has been something he had been working on since 1996.  I believe it.
I believe in Adam.
I understand it will take more then just a new head coach to turn around our football program but Coach Kelly has the faith and the drive.  His love is infectious.  If the students can buy into his passion he will have won half his battle. 
So tonight, Spartans, we fight!

**CHS our hats off to thee, to our colors true we will ever be....**

A Much Needed Break

We got to spend the weekend with our amazing family and friends in Connersville this weekend.  My soul feels amazing.  If you ever need to feel loved, just come with me and D for a weekend home.  ;)

Losing It

Since moving to Chicago I've lost about 25 pounds.  I'm not doing anything crazy, just eating smartly and my new job keeps me on my feet moving.  While I'm super excited to lose the weight, I'm not crazy about going shopping for new clothes.  1.  I hate shopping.  Never ask me to go shopping with you.  I'm the get in and get out girl.  I have anxiety about the crowds.  The screaming kids annoy me.  The ever present sales person pisses me off.  I usually leave with nothing,  which pisses me off even more, resulting in me not wanting to return for what I wanted in the first place.  2.  Spending money on myself activates my anxiety.  I feel guilty spending money on myself.  There are so many things I should be spending money on.  There are so many other things that need to be bought.  There are so many other...  You get the drift.  So combine those two things with the fact I really don't know what size I am anymore and you get the amazing trifecta that is me.
That leaves just one problem.  I am actually walking out of most my clothes.  Pants fall down when I walk, a belt gives me a homeless look, my bra can't go any tighter and my shirts no longer have a shape.  This leaves me making myself conquer my anxieties and get my but to a store.
My go to store has been Lane Bryant for several years.  They have great cut clothes, at a great price that last a long time.  Even when I was a size 14 I had hips and LB makes clothes for curves.  And their clothes are super cute.
I walk in ready to go to war.  My goal: get one pair of jeans and a bra.  My spending limit: $150. 
As I walk up to the jean wall my eyes glaze over.  There is nothing like picking a size that is too small to crush your highs of weight lose.  There is nothing worse then picking a size too big, resulting in confusion and more unwanted time spent spending money.  Thankfully an annoying sales person sees my need for help and comes right over.  I quickly explain I have no clue what size I am.  She asks me to lift my jacket and turn around.  After a quick look at my booty she delivers the verdict.  18, curvy.  18?  I instantly think she has no clue what she's doing.  I've not been an 18 in about 10 years.  The last time I bought jeans they were a size 22 or 24.  I don't remember because I cut the tag out.  I laugh at her.  She sees my fear.  I take a 20 and an 18.  I know that I wont fit into the smaller size.  On the walk to the dressing room pissed at the sales lady for getting my hopes up.  I'm actually so mad that I plan on leaving after I try the jeans on.  I close the door behind me and prepare myself to wiggle into a pair if jeans that wont come over one thigh.  I was wrong.  They easily passed my thighs.  The easily went past my hips. They zipped without concern and buttoned without a wiggle.  I jumped for joy.  Seriously.  I did a dance in the dressing room.  That peaky sales lady knew her shit!
I was able to get one pair of jeans, 2 bras (I went down 4 inches in the band), 3 shirts and a pair of ear rings all for $118. 
Today I got a coupon in the mail from LB.  I'm going back this weekend.

We'll try anything

Let me first start by saying my dad reads my blog.  I debated posting this entry because of that.  I laughed out loud when I imagine my dad reading about his daughter having sex.  But oh well, he wants grand babies so this is just something he gets to go through too!  Lol
Daryl and I try to keep a sense of humor about our lack of ability to reproduce.  For a very long time when people would ask when we were going to have kids I would say that we practice every night.  My mom hated that response! 
Fast forward to tonight.  I think about the scene in The L Word when two of the characters use artificial means to get pregnant.  The one character ends up laying with her legs above her head, using gravity to gets the goods to the right spot.  My version ended with me standing on my head, leaning against the bed with Daryl laughing and threatening to take pics!  Lol!  Who knows if it worked but it provided both of us a few laughs! 

We'll try again later

This week brought the stress and sadness once again.  My calendar said one day til my period started.  Like every month, I try to ignore it.  I try to convince myself it's not that big if a deal.  I tell myself that this month will be the one month that I wont start. 
A couple months ago I had a short lived crazy two weeks of being late.
Like clock work, my body does it's thing.  This month just wasn't our month.

Random Thought

If we ever do have children, I promise not to mess their names up.  They will have strong names that may require some growing into, but I won't misspelled, with 18 vowels when all it needed was one.  My nod of the hat to all my friends who have gotten this right.  The newest addition to our group has a name who all little boys should envy.  Good job parents. 

Seriously

Just read a headline that reports Snooki is pregnant.  The world is not fair. 

Other Options?

I had a very interesting day.  It started off super pissy.  My store has a huge empty building next door.  It has been the catch all for everything from stores anywhere near me.  TV's, old shelves, doors, windows, paperwork.  Then last year when the store flooded they just shoved everything inside the door and it has been a super shitty maze ever since.  I get word yesterday that the owner of the company is coming to visit the building because he's not been around in a while.  Cue the shit storm of calls and demands to get next door cleaned up.  Trust me, I understand that it's my store and now, my problem, but seriously, less then 48 hours to clean up 20,000 sq feet including an upstairs?  Get real.  And I get no extra labor.
Skip to today, my day off. 
I put on my finest work clothes, work boots and blue Derby bandanna.  I've been working about 3 hours when one of my customers walks in, being nosy.  This is a customer that I tolerate.  He's a nice guy, but overall annoys me.  He asks all kinds of questions and comments on what he thinks the building should be.  He continues on saying that since I don't have kids that I could run both businesses.  His next remark cut close:  "You need to hurry up and drop a few babies."  Normally at work I just keep my shut and just smile at comments like this one but today I just could let it go.  I snap back "well this body doesn't stop babies, but thank you implying my time isn't important because I can't have kids."  I was dealt hoping this would shut him up and he'd excuse himself.  Instead I learned something special about him.  He can't have children either and he and his wife are foster parents.  We talked for a good 30 minutes about fostering and he left saying he was going to drop fostering information off for me sometime this week.
Wow!  What a crazy chance conversation! 
Fostering isn't something that D and I have talked about in depth before.  We've talked about adopting if we can't absolutely have kids but they've been drink conversations, usually happening around 3 am after we've been at a concert and we're at that emotional drunk stage.  Tonight we had a first sober adoption conversation.  It went well.  It wasn't a lengthy conversation, but we took it seriously and ended it by saying we would read over the information and talk more at that time.
We did get to say a few things tonight that we've not said before.  I confessed that I would rather have the problem with fertility by mine, not his.  He confessed he's scared.  Which is the first time it's been verbalized. 
Although the conversations are getting easier, it's never easy.

Sunday Morning

I've been writing things in my journal fir a very long time.  While looking through it for a topic today I drew a blank.  Where do I start?  Do I talk about my personal history first?  My family history or my lack of knowing my family history?  The guilt I have for not being able to get pregnant?  The sorrow I feel for my amazing husband who holds my hand every 28 days while a get upset?  The feelings are massive, to a point where I've starting making myself think of life with out children.  I've even thought of being a lounge singer.  (I can't even carry a tune.)  My friends are having babies by what seems like the dozens and I love each of my friends dearly.  But how do I balance my inner jealousy and hurt while mustering joy for them.  I think each of them understand that I truly am happy for them but have a hard time sharing in their personal happiness.  I would just like to find a place where I can not expect a positive sign on the test stick while still being able to visit with my family and friends with children.  Will I ever get to that place?

Looking for a place of my own

I'm 34 and carry a burden.  To date, my husband and I have not been able to have children.  Trying to find support for women of my age on the internet has not been easy.  So since I can't find the support I want.  I'll make it.  My hope is to help other women like me while providing an outlet for my witty, emotional stories.  If you have been looking for a place as well please feel free to let me know you're here.  Afterall, we're looking for support together.